The Crunch Is On...

I just ran smack dead into the wall some call reality. I have reached a point/age in my life, which I am thankful for, where I can honestly reflect and answer questions about what went right and what went a different direction that I had planned. For all purposes of this blog post, I am going to focus more on the latter. At my current age on 50% of the goal I set for myself has been obtained, and that is the "living like a white woman" part where I lunch during the day, drive fast in my car, and do things that I want to do on a daily WHICH DOES NOT INCLUDE PUNCHING IN AND ANSWERING TO ANYONE INCLUDING A BOSS. As good as this may sound the method in which I have reached this point is not the method I had planned for myself. My method included me retiring at this particular age and being able to completely fund my white woman operation!

Well the funding is becoming depleted and I am in a state of panic because I have to stop the proverbial blood loss immediately. This may mean giving up my freedom of independence, per se, and going back into the workforce. Just thinking about it gives me the mumps! But this is a result of my plan not being executed the same way I had planned it in my head.


So much for life in the fast lane; But I will say that I enjoyed that life for nearly two years and I was AWESOME! But I can't live off socialite lunches and watercress sandwiches anymore...

~feenix

Resurrection...

So after all these years on earth, I think I now understand what the meaning, for a lack of a better term, of Easter is. I guess it’s the growth you experience in life and the educational successes that come with growing. And quite honestly, it was just a simplistic explanation that triggered the proverbial "light bulb" in my head... I recall my response as being "oh I get it..."

People often wonder what my fascination is with the mythological bird the Phoenix is, and it’s the ability to start anew. Can you imagine what it would be like if we were able to just start over? I for sure would do some things differently and some things I would NEVER change. What better experience to learn from than your own and be able to apply that knowledge in a "do-over".

For me, I recognize the person I see in the mirror and accept the things that can make me better. I want to be a better communicator and I want to be an overall nicer person. I think I am making great strides to do both...So Happy Resurrection Month!


~feenix

Mirror Mirror

All things happen for a reason and I guess at this point the question should not be "why?" but rather "what now?" The mirror serves two purposes: 1) so that you can see what others see and 2) so that you can fix the things that you see. This post speaks to the latter...

I realized some things about myself over the past few days that either I was oblivious to or just subconciously not wanting to address. But whatever the reason I noticed it and now I am oblige to manage the behavior to the best of my ability.

The internal mirror is the object by which you gauge and view yourself. It the thing that points out which behaviors you exhibit are unbecoming of a GREAT person and the traits that are less than desireable. Don't get me wrong I am not speaking of the things that make you who you are, but moreso the you that you show people. I feel guilty about some of the things that roll off my lips and the verbage is immortalized once it is spoken. These are the things that my internal mirror has showed me and I was not pleased.

They say being under the influence allows for the true you to be displayed. If this is so, then I don't like some of the things that were reflected in my mirror. The face I see, I love...the behavior needs work...

~feenix

Barbara Millicent Roberts (own personal blog coming soon)

I know it has been ages since I have posted anything and my life has been nothing short of a whirlwind ride. Travel, family, ups and downs, emotions and everything else you can imagine has been an experience of mine. So much so that you wouldn't believe me unless you were there to be a personal witness...


I will say this though, I have missed writing my blog and have come to realize how theraputic it was for me at one point in my life. As I get back to doing things for me and that make me sane in this crazy world, I will once again take pride in giving others a look into a world as only seen through my eyes.

Be on the lookout...

~feenix

Not passing judgement...

So it took me a moment to realize just what the hell was going on...I heard the nail drill in the background (I'm in the spa) but i paid it no mind cuz that's a noise you should hear. But then I began to look around at the people...one woman next to me is getting a pedicure and the woman in front of me is getting her nails painted. So why the drill noise you ask? Well color me shocked when I realized that the MAN in front of me is getting tips put on complete with acrylic...#notjudgingjustshocked

There's Something To This Communication Thing...

Welcome Back! feenix magazine readers. Today was a much better day!
Now if you didn't read yesterdays blog then you will be a little lost in reading today's. I rewind...Yesterday eveing was an interesting ordeal in the H squared household to say the least. Walking around in perfect silence (something I am very good at) and catching glances out the corner of your eye. But when your with someone and truly care about and love them, it's hard to stay mad for long periods of time, especially when you are in the same place...With that being said:
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT COMMUNICATION...
And "pussy" is power to let my SO tell it, cracking up!

Fast forward to today...Silent treatment was over and today was a much better day. So much so, the SO and I actually discussed what the problem was. And since all of these hard times have happened it's been easier to put things on the table and actually talk about them without feeling like the attacker/attackee; addressing them upfront seems to be the uphill battle.

When the SO returns they will finish dinner and we will enjoy a quiet evening at home on Date Night!

Until next time...
~feenix

The Thing About Trust...

Afternoon feenix magazing readers, today's topic is about TRUST! Now this issue is very close to my heart because I deal with it more often than not. Here's the situation... my day has been blah to say the least. Now it didn't start off that way, but the relationship Gods saw fit to make my day less than stellar. I woke up feeling good and preparing myself for my day. Even so much my SO surprised me with breakfast from my favorite spot. How sweet, right? That's what I thought too...Yet as I peeked in the kitchen my SO was engrossed in typing a text message and failed to realize that I was standing there. So after I brushed my teeth and washed my face I went into the kitchen to dig in...
As I took the first bite, there was this naggin sensation in the pit of my stomach and I tried to shake it off and call it hunger pains but in the essence of being real with myself, I had to accept what it was. So I did what you are thinking I did and I instantly lost my appetite. I snooped....

The thing about trust though is that once its broken then its very hard to get back in any shape or form, especially in a relationship. So let me take you back... there have been situations throughout our romance that have been questionable and these questionable acts have left us broken and damaged. I will be the first to admit that, but I will also be the first to admit that we are working on a comeback. Because I like to believe that a setback is a setup for a comeback. So my trust level is bordering tolerable to say the least. Now since our decision to forge ahead I have been diligently working at keeping my promise to myself and not snoop or look for things that will drive a wedge between us...but mama didn't raise no fool and I found myself fighting between two promises, the promise not to snoop and the promise to listen to my gut when its trying to tell me something. Needless to say my gut won and I pressed the view button on the text message screen. Did I mention that I instantly lossed my appetite?
Fast forward, so being that I am not one that is good at hiding what I am thinking my SO new instantly that my mood had changed. And of course the standard "what's wrong?" followed. I responded with the standard "nothing" but I believe I was more hurt than anything, because of our past, and I just wanted to get out of this space that was suddenly becoming suffocating...

So I bring it to my readers. Is it more wrong that I snooped or is it more wrong for the type of conversation that my SO was having via text message?

Until next time...
~feenix

He Is Risen...

Hello loyal feenix~ magazine readers, I know it has been ages since I have graced you with my presence, but dying a fiery death and being reborn takes alot out of you!

So it has been an amazing 365(almost)...

I have been living the life of a white woman! And what I mean by that is that I have had no job and my bills have been paid and paid on time. I do what I want when I want and I just love to allow my internal alarm clock to wake me up.

I will say that I miss the interaction with people outside of my circle that being employed allows, but what I don't miss is:
1) Traffic
2) Ignornace
3) Office politics and back stabbing (my last job one of the managers will stab you in your chest if it meant she could keep her job)
4) Ignorance
5) Needy people that the workplace brings

I have been living MY life and enjoying it!

But with anything there are not so fun times...

I have had health issues that I am blessed to overcome and being in a relationship is just like having a full-time damn job...will explain in the next post, but I digress!

I've had an amazing birthday and blessed to see another full year!
Happy Birthday Sis and niece!

Until next time...

Remember the spirit of the feenix~ is within...


~feenix

Discarding Ashes...

The Feenix is resurfacing...

Discarding Ashes...

Thinking Back...

I remember a time in my life when I was all smiles. Innocence was all I knew and I just enjoyed being a kid. Then life happended and everything that could happen did happen. Welcome to Pandoras' Box...
Idiosyncricies are revealed, you notice the change in people, trust is questioned, the comfort you knew looks and feels strange. How do we cope? We adjust and change to adapt to the changes around us...you become different. Your defensive, aggressive, moody, arrogant, untrusting, manipulative, independent, sassy. Your unrecognizable...
Your hurt. You hurt. You want it to stop. But you don't know how. You've been this stranger for so long that you believe it's you. But the real you is still there you see them in your sleep, they whisper in your ear to help with decisions, you feel them in your gut. That's the original you, but he's rapidly losing life...

I remember a time in my life when I was all smiles. Innocence was all I knew...

Can I be him again?

~feenix

Wondering...

So in a relationship, of any sort, how do you deal with the drift? You feel it coming. You see it coming. But how do you stop it? Is the lack of not knowing how a result of your sub-conscious desire to say "to hell with it?" Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience the good times, which are usually at the beginning of the relationship, but what do you do when things change. Don't get me wrong some change is good. But when the changes make things worse instead of better you have to ask yourself can I? Am I? Willing to do anything about it...

Sometimes you can't help but wonder about the reasons you entered the relationship to begin with. Do they really know you? Are they taking the time to know you? Where does personal responsibility come into play?

The fact is drifting leads to distance. Distance leads to abscence. Abscence leads to the grass growing on the other side. What side of the lawn do you want to be on? I suggest you figure it out because the longer you drift the easier it will be when communication stops...

Think about it...
~feenix

Down but NOT Defeated...

First let me start off with a warm greeting to all those that follow and missed me. This is for you...

Well as you can tell I have not been here for some time now and it has been quite hectic in my life.

I have been trying to prepare for the launch of company and the preperations for doing that are lengthy. It consists of edits, approvals, rewrites, more edits, more approvals, more rewrite; submissions, more submissions, waiting, designing, smiling, yelling, agression, being aggressive and just plain ole tired and worn out!!!

But it was all necessary for the first step in EthosU, LLC becomming a brand. There is nothing like competition and I experienced that first hand February 25, 2010 at Morehouse College. My business partner and I have the great idea, we even had the great presentation. But it all went to hell in a handbasket and it went there fast and easy. Let me explain...

We were all gased up and excited. The nerves were calm as we eyed the competition. We didn't count them out we just knew we had the best idea and presentation. WE STILL THINK SO! But we got beat with the pen so to speak. We rehearsed using the entire stage only to be told that we had to stay behind the podium. We were told we would have hand held mics only to find out that we would have one stationary mic that was 2-4 feet lower than each of our heights so try bending down to give a 10 minute presentation. Try being told at the very last minute, so last minute that you were on stage about to deliver your presentation when you are told do this differently. Needless to say with all the reworkings and distraction we fell apart and we didn't get a chance to recover.

With all that being said EthosU, LLC was dealt a mean blow. We may be down, be we are definitely NOT DEFEATED!!!

feenix...

What's been happening...

Well I have been gone for a minute because I was not sure what to write and then I remembered why I started writing in the first place, these are just thoughts that are in my head and I am putting them on "paper"...Simple right?

I have been enjoying my life and I can honestly say that I am truly living now. Its funny how you don't know that you are living until you live...ha ha

Love is a beautiful thing you should try it, but promise me that you won't let it consume you.

On to what's been happening:

I've moved, been angry with my best friend, told my best friend that I was angry with him, been honest, and even shared some tears behind it. We have been friends since the 9th grade and that was MANY MANY MANY moons ago, so it is safe to say that we have shared alot! It hurt when I was unable to go to him and tell him things that only he could understand or because he was the ONLY person that I would tell. I almost lost a friend...

Ria has been absent for sometime now and I don't know how I feel about it! I mean of course she is a big balling money making manager for the federal whack ass government, has to beautiful kids that have personalitis only the joker could have created, a fly betty, and a recessionista...but does that equate NEGLECT of her big brother (by 8 days)????? Then I get a last minute invite to her Wii party and she knows that my life is a calendar and I need a little more time than that to swing thru... I wonder if she will allow me to bring my significant other???

The "S.O." has been a big part of my life. Its funny because 6 months ago we weren't even speaking and now we are well on our way to a great future. I commend them because many have tried but none have succeeded in 1)making me open up and share my inner most thoughts 2)sharing my life with other people 3) being in a realtionship. But guess what readers MY FAMILY LIKES THE "S.O." and I mean even my daddy! Now if you can get that man on your side you got it made like the 80's hip-hop classic. Cuz with my daddy...Either he likes you or he don't and it ain't no guessing! I LOVE YOU!

Be on the lookout cuz EthosU, LLC is on the way and when it launches it will be NO STOPPING us. I appreciate you Bro!!!!!!!!!!

There is so much more...but that's enough for now!

~feenix

Life...

Is the thing where you learn, you grow! Well it has been that kind of journey for me for the past 365. I have had to deal with alot of lifes issues and I am not sure how much I handled correctly and how much I didn't...

With the loss and gain of people in my life I do truly understand the saying that people come for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who have made it thru, I tip my hat to you. Glad to have you back for another 365. Those who didn't make it thru, it was fun/good while it lasted but I was shown the true you and I had to make a decision. No hard feelings, K? And to those of you who are on your way out...What can I say... I just can't do it anymore. I am looking forward and I can only take into account what you have done recently and compare it to the past. Which is more foretelling...

Love has found my door, knocked, and I answered. Its an interesting emotion because once you accept it into your life, you view and feel things differently. I am sure it effects different people in different ways...But I am speaking from personal experiences. When getting to know the other better, you began to open up about you and your life prior to being with said person. What do you do with this information????? Thats a true test believe me...

I really don't know whats in store for the rest of my life, I just pray that I am around long enough to see, view, learn from, and enjoy it.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the many blessings that you have afforded me up until this point in my life, but most of all thank you for the blessing of life. You have kept me safe and healthy for the last 365 and I pray that you can do it again for another 365. Thank you for keeping safe, healthy, and out of harms way. In the MIGHTY name of Jesus, Amen!

p.s. Lord thank you for the Love...

My Resolution (whatever that is): Is to just be a better person. I think eveything else will fall into place.

~feenix
HAPPY NEW YEAR!