Discarding Ashes...

The Feenix is resurfacing...

Discarding Ashes...

Thinking Back...

I remember a time in my life when I was all smiles. Innocence was all I knew and I just enjoyed being a kid. Then life happended and everything that could happen did happen. Welcome to Pandoras' Box...
Idiosyncricies are revealed, you notice the change in people, trust is questioned, the comfort you knew looks and feels strange. How do we cope? We adjust and change to adapt to the changes around us...you become different. Your defensive, aggressive, moody, arrogant, untrusting, manipulative, independent, sassy. Your unrecognizable...
Your hurt. You hurt. You want it to stop. But you don't know how. You've been this stranger for so long that you believe it's you. But the real you is still there you see them in your sleep, they whisper in your ear to help with decisions, you feel them in your gut. That's the original you, but he's rapidly losing life...

I remember a time in my life when I was all smiles. Innocence was all I knew...

Can I be him again?

~feenix

Wondering...

So in a relationship, of any sort, how do you deal with the drift? You feel it coming. You see it coming. But how do you stop it? Is the lack of not knowing how a result of your sub-conscious desire to say "to hell with it?" Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience the good times, which are usually at the beginning of the relationship, but what do you do when things change. Don't get me wrong some change is good. But when the changes make things worse instead of better you have to ask yourself can I? Am I? Willing to do anything about it...

Sometimes you can't help but wonder about the reasons you entered the relationship to begin with. Do they really know you? Are they taking the time to know you? Where does personal responsibility come into play?

The fact is drifting leads to distance. Distance leads to abscence. Abscence leads to the grass growing on the other side. What side of the lawn do you want to be on? I suggest you figure it out because the longer you drift the easier it will be when communication stops...

Think about it...
~feenix

Down but NOT Defeated...

First let me start off with a warm greeting to all those that follow and missed me. This is for you...

Well as you can tell I have not been here for some time now and it has been quite hectic in my life.

I have been trying to prepare for the launch of company and the preperations for doing that are lengthy. It consists of edits, approvals, rewrites, more edits, more approvals, more rewrite; submissions, more submissions, waiting, designing, smiling, yelling, agression, being aggressive and just plain ole tired and worn out!!!

But it was all necessary for the first step in EthosU, LLC becomming a brand. There is nothing like competition and I experienced that first hand February 25, 2010 at Morehouse College. My business partner and I have the great idea, we even had the great presentation. But it all went to hell in a handbasket and it went there fast and easy. Let me explain...

We were all gased up and excited. The nerves were calm as we eyed the competition. We didn't count them out we just knew we had the best idea and presentation. WE STILL THINK SO! But we got beat with the pen so to speak. We rehearsed using the entire stage only to be told that we had to stay behind the podium. We were told we would have hand held mics only to find out that we would have one stationary mic that was 2-4 feet lower than each of our heights so try bending down to give a 10 minute presentation. Try being told at the very last minute, so last minute that you were on stage about to deliver your presentation when you are told do this differently. Needless to say with all the reworkings and distraction we fell apart and we didn't get a chance to recover.

With all that being said EthosU, LLC was dealt a mean blow. We may be down, be we are definitely NOT DEFEATED!!!

feenix...

What's been happening...

Well I have been gone for a minute because I was not sure what to write and then I remembered why I started writing in the first place, these are just thoughts that are in my head and I am putting them on "paper"...Simple right?

I have been enjoying my life and I can honestly say that I am truly living now. Its funny how you don't know that you are living until you live...ha ha

Love is a beautiful thing you should try it, but promise me that you won't let it consume you.

On to what's been happening:

I've moved, been angry with my best friend, told my best friend that I was angry with him, been honest, and even shared some tears behind it. We have been friends since the 9th grade and that was MANY MANY MANY moons ago, so it is safe to say that we have shared alot! It hurt when I was unable to go to him and tell him things that only he could understand or because he was the ONLY person that I would tell. I almost lost a friend...

Ria has been absent for sometime now and I don't know how I feel about it! I mean of course she is a big balling money making manager for the federal whack ass government, has to beautiful kids that have personalitis only the joker could have created, a fly betty, and a recessionista...but does that equate NEGLECT of her big brother (by 8 days)????? Then I get a last minute invite to her Wii party and she knows that my life is a calendar and I need a little more time than that to swing thru... I wonder if she will allow me to bring my significant other???

The "S.O." has been a big part of my life. Its funny because 6 months ago we weren't even speaking and now we are well on our way to a great future. I commend them because many have tried but none have succeeded in 1)making me open up and share my inner most thoughts 2)sharing my life with other people 3) being in a realtionship. But guess what readers MY FAMILY LIKES THE "S.O." and I mean even my daddy! Now if you can get that man on your side you got it made like the 80's hip-hop classic. Cuz with my daddy...Either he likes you or he don't and it ain't no guessing! I LOVE YOU!

Be on the lookout cuz EthosU, LLC is on the way and when it launches it will be NO STOPPING us. I appreciate you Bro!!!!!!!!!!

There is so much more...but that's enough for now!

~feenix

Life...

Is the thing where you learn, you grow! Well it has been that kind of journey for me for the past 365. I have had to deal with alot of lifes issues and I am not sure how much I handled correctly and how much I didn't...

With the loss and gain of people in my life I do truly understand the saying that people come for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who have made it thru, I tip my hat to you. Glad to have you back for another 365. Those who didn't make it thru, it was fun/good while it lasted but I was shown the true you and I had to make a decision. No hard feelings, K? And to those of you who are on your way out...What can I say... I just can't do it anymore. I am looking forward and I can only take into account what you have done recently and compare it to the past. Which is more foretelling...

Love has found my door, knocked, and I answered. Its an interesting emotion because once you accept it into your life, you view and feel things differently. I am sure it effects different people in different ways...But I am speaking from personal experiences. When getting to know the other better, you began to open up about you and your life prior to being with said person. What do you do with this information????? Thats a true test believe me...

I really don't know whats in store for the rest of my life, I just pray that I am around long enough to see, view, learn from, and enjoy it.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the many blessings that you have afforded me up until this point in my life, but most of all thank you for the blessing of life. You have kept me safe and healthy for the last 365 and I pray that you can do it again for another 365. Thank you for keeping safe, healthy, and out of harms way. In the MIGHTY name of Jesus, Amen!

p.s. Lord thank you for the Love...

My Resolution (whatever that is): Is to just be a better person. I think eveything else will fall into place.

~feenix
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Rundown...

So I know that I have been missed and quite alot has happened in my life since my last realy post. Prior to my return post some time has passed and I felt that I was going through a transition in my life and it kept me away from my blog. But now I am back with a new sense of my life, a new look, new blog pic, and a better spirit. I WAS REBORN...

So here we go:

1) I explained in very black and educated terms to the white man that I am NOT stupid, will NOT be played as stupid, and you will NOT get me to do the things that you refuse to do. I am far too qualified and intelligent to be the guinea pig scape goat...
2) As a result I no long work for the white man
3) I had my first visit to Kentucky and I LOVED IT. The people, the atmosphere, even the strippers were kind and asked if it was okay to sit on your lap before they jumped on it.
4) I had my very first trip to Texas and I must say I wouldn't mind visiting again.
5) I had plenty of conversations with GOD
6) I tried my hand at being a lawyer, and ended up making the white man turn red in the courtroom...I may have a future in that after all.
7) I have become more open in communication
8) I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE...
9) I'm happy
10) Im more honest
11) I try to answer the question asked with the best of my ability
12) I am not feeling school anymore, therefore I am not putting forth my greatest effort
13) I am discussing wedding ideas
14) I love me
15) I am learning me
17) I am a great person
18) I have a new GREAT group of friends...they are like family. The kind I've always wanted.
19) I miss Sheria...I don't feel we are as close as we used to be :-(
20) I've learned that the people I thought were fake...REALLY ARE!
21) I have two new nieces
22) My adopted "kids" are a trip, but I love them
23) I love everything these days
24) Smiles are the happy wrinkles
25) Growth really does happen and it feels good when you can excercise it
26) I've gained weight
27) I'm back in the gym
28) I am having one of the best Christmas seasons I have had in a long time
29) They know how I feel
30) I smile when I look at them...

That is the last 2 months in a nut shell. The 'feenix' is back!

~feenix

From the heat of the fire...He returns!

In ancient Egyptian mythology and in myths derived from it, the phoenix is a mythical sacred firebird. The phoenix is a male bird with beautiful gold and red plumage. At the end of its life-cycle the phoenix builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises. The new phoenix embalms the ashes of the old phoenix in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in Heliopolis ("the city of the sun" in Greek), located in Egypt. The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible - a symbol of fire and divinity.

Life brings many changes, challaenges, emotions, obstacles, people, and experiences. I have been through them all in 2009, but most happened recently. I SURVIVED and have a testimony...

Now that the transition has begun, be on the lookout

BECAUSE I AM BACK!

"Remember the spirit of the feenix is within" ~feenix

Worry Sets In...

Good Morning Feenix Magazine Readers...

Today's topic is about worry, more specifically, personal worry.

Now I hate for people to communicate with me in a rushed tone that implies or speaks "emergency". Evermore, I despise when they come with this emergency tone and then refuse to tell you specifics or any details or try and act as if they don't know whats going on. Granted a small few really don't know whats going on, but that's rare.

Unfortunately the staff I currently work with love to do this. I don't get it, and it bothers me because it then becomes an internal battle and my mind begins to play tricks on me. Primarily because I have to come to a conclusion as to what the emergency may be.

First I enter panic mode: In this mode I began to rapidly playback (mentally) all of my actions of the recent past. Even if its not directly my fault. But this comes from the secrecy people display when they run to you with this nonsense.

Once several scenarios, possibilities, etc are reached, I enter strategy mode. How can I get myself out of these presumed emergency situations. Crazy right, but the mind is a complex piece!

Now you know why I despise it so...wrenching!

The latest "emergency" situation:

My director comes to me with this rushed tone and said (insert name) will be here tomorrow around (insert time) and I will try to be here, really try. So I'm like WTF?? So my mind instantly starts going and I can't be 100% sure but I think my director followed that up with "something happened," (insert name) will be going to all the sites... So I asked what happened with this confused tone and look. My director says "I don't know" and then disappears. As I began to process this I realize that I am unclear on a few things so I try to catch my director. When I tell you my director disappeared, I MEAN LITERALLY DISAPPEARED! Car gone and everything. So I am really in panic mode now. WTH????

So all night I try to play back the events of the day and wonder if its a set up and there really is no site wide "emergency" but just their way of blindsiding me. I came to the conclusion that I was being terminated, that I didn't do something right, someone has an issue with me etc etc etc...

Unecessary worry right? ABSOLUTELY!!!! But what else could I do?
I've prayed about it, thought about it, worried about it... But enough is enough!

Yet I still have this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and in the back of my mind, I see this as doomsday. May Wednesday be good to me!!!

In closing...
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

~feenix

Monday...

Now normally I am soo not a Morning person and I definitely am not very fond of Mondays.

But I don't know, today I am just feeling good and feel like I can tackle anything! I don't know what has gotten into me but I am liking it.

It could be possibly that I had an awesome weekend. Let me be clear, nothing went as expected, but I enjoyed it none-the-less.

Explanation:
Friday I was to attend a b day party as arm candy for a past suitor... The party was highly "publicized" but was whack to def! Where the hell was the food? And the liquor selections, Boo! So we didn't stay very long and then went and had dinner. I got in my car and headed back to the home front.

Saturday I was supposed to find some storage space for my belongings since I am in the process of moving. I went to public storage and she told me 195/month. I said thank you for your time have a great day. WAY'FD. Then I was supposed to go to a football game, tailgate, after party etc. But because of that rain ti didn't happen. I don't do outside activities in the rain! So instead my family and I picked up some pizza (made by the Italians yumm) ransacked my movie collection and chilled out. Sidebar: my niece suckered me into being her chauffeur...that child! Went home and called it a night. Was tired...

Sunday finished homework and GOT IT IN...whew needed that. Slept like a baby!

Recap:
Got a new iPod - the new nano with the video camera
Got the iPhone - and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT
Had a ball!

~feenix

Serenity...

Ok it is Friday morning, THANK GOD! And I am determined to not let anything push me over the edge. It has been that kind of week. So before I go on and detail my week, I will start with this...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Ok it kind of started last Friday. When I got a call from a professor (Im in education)and she was inquiring about certain technologies available to her. (She started off with this "I'm white so you are going to allow me to talk to you any way I want and do what I want..." tone and I responded with the tone "Don't get it twisted, I'm "white" too and your demands DO NOT supercede mine!) Innocent enough I thought until I reminded her that a MANDATORY and NECESSARY piece of documentation was missing from her "file" which constitutes a violation in the contract. She gets all huffy and tells me why should she have to submit that information. For a second time I state that its REQUIRED! She goes on to say that I am not going to email it and I say that is your choice but it needs to be on file in my office prior to the start of your class. She responds with "well can I fax it?" I say "sure" and I provided her with the fax number. Upon ending the phone call, and because I believe in documentation, I shot her an email detailing our conversation, included fax, email, and contact information, and even pulled an excerpt from the policy that refers to the requested documentation. And if I told you what the document was...you would hit the floor in shock about why/how all this came about from requesting a freakin' syllabus!!!!!!

So Monday arrives and still no document. Fine! I shoot Professor Pain in my Ass, known from this point forward as P.P.I.M.A, an email going back to our Friday conversation and delivering the information that I said I would. She is going to tell me the document is on the internet so go retrieve it. I THINK NOT!! Policy is you submit it, not I go look for it. She calls hours later asking for my director's information. After I identified who the caller was, cuz I just wasn't going to give that up freely, I gave her the information. I had no problem...do what you do boo! Shortly thereafter, my outlook sound alert dings letting me know I have an e-mail. Now if you have ever used outlook then you know that if you are not in the email window then a box will pop up with an excerpt of the message. To my not so surprise it was P.P.I.M.A! And she CC'd my director talking about how I was unprofessional, and needed training on using the company computer infrastructure and how other people were able to go and retrieve it with no problems blah blah blah blah. So of course my director calls me with the "whats goin on tone" I explain to him the intracies of this flawed and delicate relationship. Now anyone that knows me knows that there are few things that set me off, I'm talking 0-60, in seconds. 1) spitting on me 2) telling lies on me 3) and fuckin' with my family...But I digress. The email that P.P.I.M.A sent was full of lies about how I didn't contact her and inform her of anything blah blah blah blah. This is where that good "paper trail" comes in. I forwarded everything I sent her to my director. Case closed or so I thought. When I say gump ass muthafukka...I MEAN A GUMP ASS MUTHAFUKKA. He would rather apologize to her and accomodate her rather than tell her that she was wrong for not following policy. But hey I could care less. Cuz once I handed the situation to him, I was done with it. And I told my director that I am not apologizing to her, him, or anyone for something that I did not do. And if he feels an apology will appease her then he needs to be the one to give it. Case Closed! (At least for Tuesday LOL) Here comes Wednesday...Class night. I go in and greet P.P.I.M.A as part of my job duties cuz trust if I had to do it on GP it would not have gotten done. I have NOTHING to say to people like that. Anyhoo, This is what apologizing to a Nazi will get you. She lied on my director too...LOL That's what you get homie!

So I sent her a very kind email yesterday, on purpose, and BCC'd my Director. It had all kinds of warm fuzzies included, and addressed the issue without an apology being given. You know she still responded with attitude, rudeness, and dismay. I'm convinced that she is trying to pull me into some battle that she think she will win. But since I know me and I know that when I am done there will be one man standing I didn't even want to go there. Because I can fix her ass, but at what consequence. There is more, but this is the meat and potatoes...

I really don't know if I should share this next part but after all I went thru this week with needy ass adults, ignorant adults, whiny adults, bullshitting adults, useless adults, and just ass hole adults...this was the comical highlight of it all.
DO PEOPLE REALLY STILL CALL AND ASK HOW YOU KNOW (INSERT NAME) AND WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. I mean really, it is 2009 quickly approaching 2010 and if you have to call around and call numbers back to find out what your mate is doing, then IS IT REALLY WORTH IT. And newsflash they aren't your partner, mate, lover, girlfriend, or boyfriend if thats how it is going down. But the extra funny part was this...
Actual conversation with edits: Ringtone: How do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breath, I answer...
Me:"Hello"
caller: "yes can I speak to J
Me: Speaking
Caller: Yes how do you know (insert name)
Me: Stuck like no the fuck you didn't responds "I suggest you ask (insert name) how we know eachother.
Caller: ok imma call you right back
2mins pass...Ringtone: How do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around its so hard for me to breath,
Me: Hello
Caller: Yes hold on (hits speaker phone)then says "yes (insert name) says its best to ask you how yall know eachother.
Me: (In my head I'm like LMAO you just got played by your own other half cuz it ain't no way in hell my mate is going to tell me some shit like that and I actually call the person back) Okay back to the conversation cuz I missed most of it with my personal thoughts.
Me: Are you done now?
Caller: Yes just stay away from (insert name)
Me: LOL laters!

First off how can you even embarrass yourself like that? I said it once, I will say it again. IF YOU HAVE TO CALL AROUND LOOKING FOR, TRACKING DOWN, OR INQUIRING ABOUT WHO YOUR MATES KNOW ECT...THEN THEY ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING MATE! THEY ARE NOT YOUR LOVER, PARTNER, BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, ECT...and the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be!

So glad its FRIDAY and this week will be behind me shortly! Then I can go spend some time with Bob M. and Mr. Bombay and his mate Lady Olive!!!! Oh and pick up my I-Phone

~feenix

He Cut His Hair....

WTF!!!!

I so didn't see this comin'...check it out and share your thoughts in the comment section. Do you even know who this is?

Give you a clue...Jenson Atwood

~feenix

I am grateful...

I'm grateful for...
This will be a daily running of the things that I am grateful for. I got this idea by watching Frankie and Neffe, again shock and awe, and I must say that for all the things that are fundamentally wrong with this show there are some touching moments and moments that must be internalized...

I am grateful for my health...10/07/2009

I am grateful for my family...10/08/2009

I am grateful for another day...10/13/2009

I am grateful for having NO damage when that deer jumped in front of my car this morning and my fender taggin' that ass...10/14/2009

I am grateful for being able to talk to my parents on a daily basis...10/15/2009

I am grateful that Bambi decided to stay her ass in the forest yesterday...10/15/2009

I am grateful to laugh on a daily basis...10/15/2009

I am grateful to be expressive...10/16/2009

I am grateful for memories...10/21/2009

I am grateful for love...10/27/2009

Monday Morning Random Thoughts...

Usually when I have a bunch of stuff in my head, with no cohesion, it becomes time for RANDOM THOUGHTS!

Adult ignorance irritates me

If I send you an email, professionally, READ IT!

Don't send me emails asking questions, that WERE ANSWERED IN THE EMAIL I ALREADY SENT!

Being demanding doesn't really work well with me. If you want me to help you, act like it!

Completed means having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full...So don't submit a form with parts missing and then say you sent me a completed form cuz now I have to call you and cuss your dumb ass out!

Needy adults irritate me

White adults, who fail to realize that I am "White" also, that use that I'm white demanding voice irritates me...

I am just fucking irritated!

~feenix